My Loss
Rebeka Clark
I knew something was wrong the second my mom woke me up. The look on her face held sadness with a hint of fear. I knew something was wrong, and I was only hoping it wasn’t the worst. When the words, ‘Your dad passed away last night’ came out of her mouth I didn’t know how to act at first. I didn’t feel anything, and I didn’t know whether it was from me waking up three minutes ago or the fact that I knew it was coming. I sat there with my mom trying to process what was just said. It didn’t hit me until a few days later when my mom was driving me to school. We were talking about how I felt about the situation until I broke down, realizing I would not be able to see my dad again. After seventeen years of being able to talk to my dad when I got bored or when I just needed to talk to someone. The next day was the day I returned to my normal life at school. While everyone was in classes, I finished unpacking and everything else I needed to do sitting on the floor staring at the ceiling was all I wanted to do. Thankfully once I was done unpacking, I was able to sit down and sort through my racing thoughts:
‘I haven’t even been here a day and I want to go home.’
‘This is not going to be a good semester.’
‘Why didn’t I call dad earlier? I should have talked to him more.’
‘What if he hated me for not talking to him?’
Many of my thoughts shifted from me wanting to go home with my mom and little sisters to me feeling guilty for never really talking to my dad. I was two when my mom and him got a divorce. I had always hoped that they would get back together when I was younger and didn’t understand why they weren’t together. As I grew older, I started to figure out why they had gotten a divorce, and I had slowly drifted away from him. Although I didn’t have the greatest relationship with my dad because he was able to connect with my brother more, he still made an effort to see me during my weekends off of work or during my breaks. I knew that he wasn’t going to make it far in my life, he had a lot of health issues which made it hard for him to do most things he wanted.
As the years went on, my brother and I had to watch as he got well over Twenty surgeries, had to start dialysis when his kidneys started to shut down, and at one point he went into cardiac arrest, his heart had stopped for several minutes. I was only eleven at the time. The hospital he was at was able to get his heart beating again but this led to many cardiovascular issues. His surgeries were mainly for clotted vessels which were from him going into cardiac arrest. During his surgeries I watched as he was no longer able to work as an EMT, causing him to go on disability. Watching my dad not be able to do what he loved hurt both my brother and I who were able to help him in many of the places that he went. I learned from my dad how to take stitches out of hands, wrap a sprained limb, or even get a fishing hook out of your foot. In the month of June 2021 my dad went in for open heart surgery, getting a double bypass, which was where the surgeons had to go in and unblock two of the arteries in his heart. During the few months before his death, he had been recovering. I had tried to talk to him as much as I could to keep him company but with work and other things, I wasn’t able to talk to him as much as I wanted to.
On August 20, 2021, at 10:30pm, my brother received a call from my aunt saying she couldn’t wake my dad and was going to call the hospital. He had gone into cardiac arrest and was being rushed to the hospital. The doctors were able to get his heart beating again but he was essentially brain dead. My brother was on the phone about to tell the doctors to stop when my dad’s heart stopped for the last time. My dad died August 20, 2021, at 11:30 at night. Even now it is still hard for me to talk about him and his life. Every now and then I remember the times he took my brother and I fishing, or whenever we went to my grandma's house. Everyone hung out at my grandma’s house. My dad stayed there most of the time while he was traveling from one EMT job to the next. He would always take my cousins and I to the duck pond in the town where we could play in the little park it had or feed the ducks moldy bread that my grandma forgot to use. During the hot summer days, we would go to the pool for hours until we got hungry, then we would go to the best pizza place in the town. The people there all knew my dad which was nice sometimes, except when they knew me, and I had no clue who they were. During New Year's Eve, when we were there, we would always play Jenga and other board games until one in the morning, where we all passed out on the couch. I always enjoyed going to my dad's house even though we didn’t do much, but He always made sure that my brother and I were never bored.
Although I’m still recovering from the loss of my dad not long ago, I know that the pain that he had to go through every day is no longer there. I wish that I could have told my dad how much I appreciated him as a father, but I know that he knows even if I don’t say anything. Not being able to get the closure that my brother was able to has taken a toll on my emotions, but I know for a fact that his death was painless for him. He can now be with my grandma and my other aunt who passed away six months prior to my father’s death. I can still appreciate all the good memories I have with him and what he has taught me through the seventeen years of my life that I had known him but I’m happy to have my brother there with me so we can work through our pain together.
‘I haven’t even been here a day and I want to go home.’
‘This is not going to be a good semester.’
‘Why didn’t I call dad earlier? I should have talked to him more.’
‘What if he hated me for not talking to him?’
Many of my thoughts shifted from me wanting to go home with my mom and little sisters to me feeling guilty for never really talking to my dad. I was two when my mom and him got a divorce. I had always hoped that they would get back together when I was younger and didn’t understand why they weren’t together. As I grew older, I started to figure out why they had gotten a divorce, and I had slowly drifted away from him. Although I didn’t have the greatest relationship with my dad because he was able to connect with my brother more, he still made an effort to see me during my weekends off of work or during my breaks. I knew that he wasn’t going to make it far in my life, he had a lot of health issues which made it hard for him to do most things he wanted.
As the years went on, my brother and I had to watch as he got well over Twenty surgeries, had to start dialysis when his kidneys started to shut down, and at one point he went into cardiac arrest, his heart had stopped for several minutes. I was only eleven at the time. The hospital he was at was able to get his heart beating again but this led to many cardiovascular issues. His surgeries were mainly for clotted vessels which were from him going into cardiac arrest. During his surgeries I watched as he was no longer able to work as an EMT, causing him to go on disability. Watching my dad not be able to do what he loved hurt both my brother and I who were able to help him in many of the places that he went. I learned from my dad how to take stitches out of hands, wrap a sprained limb, or even get a fishing hook out of your foot. In the month of June 2021 my dad went in for open heart surgery, getting a double bypass, which was where the surgeons had to go in and unblock two of the arteries in his heart. During the few months before his death, he had been recovering. I had tried to talk to him as much as I could to keep him company but with work and other things, I wasn’t able to talk to him as much as I wanted to.
On August 20, 2021, at 10:30pm, my brother received a call from my aunt saying she couldn’t wake my dad and was going to call the hospital. He had gone into cardiac arrest and was being rushed to the hospital. The doctors were able to get his heart beating again but he was essentially brain dead. My brother was on the phone about to tell the doctors to stop when my dad’s heart stopped for the last time. My dad died August 20, 2021, at 11:30 at night. Even now it is still hard for me to talk about him and his life. Every now and then I remember the times he took my brother and I fishing, or whenever we went to my grandma's house. Everyone hung out at my grandma’s house. My dad stayed there most of the time while he was traveling from one EMT job to the next. He would always take my cousins and I to the duck pond in the town where we could play in the little park it had or feed the ducks moldy bread that my grandma forgot to use. During the hot summer days, we would go to the pool for hours until we got hungry, then we would go to the best pizza place in the town. The people there all knew my dad which was nice sometimes, except when they knew me, and I had no clue who they were. During New Year's Eve, when we were there, we would always play Jenga and other board games until one in the morning, where we all passed out on the couch. I always enjoyed going to my dad's house even though we didn’t do much, but He always made sure that my brother and I were never bored.
Although I’m still recovering from the loss of my dad not long ago, I know that the pain that he had to go through every day is no longer there. I wish that I could have told my dad how much I appreciated him as a father, but I know that he knows even if I don’t say anything. Not being able to get the closure that my brother was able to has taken a toll on my emotions, but I know for a fact that his death was painless for him. He can now be with my grandma and my other aunt who passed away six months prior to my father’s death. I can still appreciate all the good memories I have with him and what he has taught me through the seventeen years of my life that I had known him but I’m happy to have my brother there with me so we can work through our pain together.
Rebeka Clark is a Junior at New Mexico Military Institute.