Listen to Your Gut
Arianna Taylor
“She died?” I asked. “How could she have died, why did she die?” I was supposed to teach her to play the kazoo. I was supposed to take her to my graduation and show her how all the guys dress the same without them even being aware of it. And all the places I was going to take her, and he let her die? “Everything that I was supposed to do in life was for her to have someone to look up to.” He took away my reason for living. Everything seemed to fade, the days were thrown together on the calendar and all my homework was late. Sometimes it stressed me out, but most of the time I was numb. It didn’t really matter that I hadn’t eaten or gone outside or practiced playing the kazoo. I don’t sleep until three in the morning, I’m constantly letting my mind wander on, pondering where my sister’s killer could be. Mom worries about me sometimes; she says that I shouldn’t let what happened ruin me. But that little girl was my whole reason for living, and nobody understands. Without her, I would’ve died a long time ago. She was the only person that remembered my birthday, she came into my room with my favorite chocolate milk. She was the one who taught me how to dress like a ‘real princess’ and taught me how to be ‘princess material.’ That was her favorite thing, pretending to be a princess. It’s already been a year and, yet sometimes, I’m still woken up by my own yelling. I’m always blaming someone else for her being gone, someone that doesn’t have a name or face, or at least not ones I’m aware of. In my sleep, I still scream at the void as if it’ll bring her back, but it doesn’t.
My dad left after my sister died because he and mom were only together so that she could have a good childhood, she was always the golden child. In two days, it will be the one-year anniversary of his leaving, which makes today the day she died. I should be better, and I know that. And I’m trying. Mom took me to the grocery store today, and I saw him. Standing with a woman with long legs and red curly hair. My dad, standing there in front of me. It made me want to throw up. I didn’t, I simply hoped that my mom wouldn’t notice. I don’t think she did, we kept shopping. When I started to load the car with the groceries, I got this strange feeling, like I wasn’t safe anymore. I ignored it, but for a second, I could hear my sister yelling at me telling me that she was sorry. I figure it must be nothing and return the cart to where it’s supposed to be. And back to the house, we went. I still wondered if Mom knew that Dad was in the store with that lady, the one that I hated. It was something about how her skin was ever so clear like glass and her eyes were a blue that looked unnatural. I always want to ask her if they’re contacts, but that would be too awkward. Maybe I didn’t like her because of her smile and the way that not one single tooth was out of place, maybe I didn’t like her because she looked nothing like Mom. And how do you love someone that is the opposite of someone you claimed to have loved for so long? I had spaced out and by the time I realized we were still driving, I’m halfway through the windshield, and my mom is lying on the ground. I had never seen something so brutal, with her leg so mangled it looked like an animal attacked her. And her head being 2 feet away from her broad shoulders, where it should have sat. It was a scary sight; one I would never wish upon anyone. A seatbelt would have been helpful if only I would have just put it on. Everything around me was blurry and almost completely out of focus, mom hadn’t said anything or moved. I think she might be dead too now. What am I going to do alone? I can’t do it alone. I wondered if I would have gone back inside and said something to that lady, something about how I hated how perfect she was, maybe I wouldn’t be in the position that I am now. I couldn’t help but think that those five more minutes in the grocery store would have prevented me from being alone. And then I began to think, leave me here to die, and it’s almost like God listened because that was the last thing I was thinking before I closed my eyes for the last time. I should have used my gut instinct to go inside, to talk to my dad and the perfect lady. If only I would have just put it on. Everything around me was blurry and almost completely out of focus, mom hadn’t said anything or moved. I think she might be dead too now. What am I going to do alone? I can’t do it alone. I wondered if I would have gone back inside and said something to that lady, something about how I hated how perfect she was, maybe I wouldn’t be in the position that I am now. I couldn’t help but think that those five more minutes in the grocery store would have prevented me from being alone. And then I began to think, leave me here to die, and it’s almost like God listened because that was the last thing I was thinking before I closed my eyes for the last time. I should have used my gut instinct to go inside, to talk to my dad and the perfect lady. If only I had listened to my gut.
My dad left after my sister died because he and mom were only together so that she could have a good childhood, she was always the golden child. In two days, it will be the one-year anniversary of his leaving, which makes today the day she died. I should be better, and I know that. And I’m trying. Mom took me to the grocery store today, and I saw him. Standing with a woman with long legs and red curly hair. My dad, standing there in front of me. It made me want to throw up. I didn’t, I simply hoped that my mom wouldn’t notice. I don’t think she did, we kept shopping. When I started to load the car with the groceries, I got this strange feeling, like I wasn’t safe anymore. I ignored it, but for a second, I could hear my sister yelling at me telling me that she was sorry. I figure it must be nothing and return the cart to where it’s supposed to be. And back to the house, we went. I still wondered if Mom knew that Dad was in the store with that lady, the one that I hated. It was something about how her skin was ever so clear like glass and her eyes were a blue that looked unnatural. I always want to ask her if they’re contacts, but that would be too awkward. Maybe I didn’t like her because of her smile and the way that not one single tooth was out of place, maybe I didn’t like her because she looked nothing like Mom. And how do you love someone that is the opposite of someone you claimed to have loved for so long? I had spaced out and by the time I realized we were still driving, I’m halfway through the windshield, and my mom is lying on the ground. I had never seen something so brutal, with her leg so mangled it looked like an animal attacked her. And her head being 2 feet away from her broad shoulders, where it should have sat. It was a scary sight; one I would never wish upon anyone. A seatbelt would have been helpful if only I would have just put it on. Everything around me was blurry and almost completely out of focus, mom hadn’t said anything or moved. I think she might be dead too now. What am I going to do alone? I can’t do it alone. I wondered if I would have gone back inside and said something to that lady, something about how I hated how perfect she was, maybe I wouldn’t be in the position that I am now. I couldn’t help but think that those five more minutes in the grocery store would have prevented me from being alone. And then I began to think, leave me here to die, and it’s almost like God listened because that was the last thing I was thinking before I closed my eyes for the last time. I should have used my gut instinct to go inside, to talk to my dad and the perfect lady. If only I would have just put it on. Everything around me was blurry and almost completely out of focus, mom hadn’t said anything or moved. I think she might be dead too now. What am I going to do alone? I can’t do it alone. I wondered if I would have gone back inside and said something to that lady, something about how I hated how perfect she was, maybe I wouldn’t be in the position that I am now. I couldn’t help but think that those five more minutes in the grocery store would have prevented me from being alone. And then I began to think, leave me here to die, and it’s almost like God listened because that was the last thing I was thinking before I closed my eyes for the last time. I should have used my gut instinct to go inside, to talk to my dad and the perfect lady. If only I had listened to my gut.
"Don't sabotage your future peace because familiar chaos is comfortable." - Mariyah