How Wars Kill Lovers
Ngoc Hong Pham
I recalled my childhood memories. I and Phuc had been best friends since we knew how to talk. We were neighbors. I was an eight-year-old girl with a round face, big eyes, and a small dimple when I smiled. I used to be a naughty girl. I never stayed still and always went around, looked for something to play. My clothes were always filled with dirt and mud. Phuc's characteristic is contrary to mine. He is a quiet, handsome boy. His clothes were clean and tidy. He loved reading books under the banyan tree where the wind made the orchestra with birds and leaves. Every day, after finishing homework, I often rushed out of the house, searched for other children and Phuc to play hide and seek. It was always fun for me because I was good at hiding, so most of the time, I was a winner. Phuc was bad at searching for people. What a happy thing! It took him a whole afternoon to find us, and he usually gave me candy so that I would go out to finish the game. Eating the candy, I often said to him "You found me" as a compliment. It was fun when we played together around the town when I listened to his voice as he read his book, or the time we went fishing, climbing to take the mango.
Years after years, from little boys and girls, we became teenagers. I was no longer a girl who ran around and tried to trick everyone. I became a sixteen-year-old girl. I was supposed to be an elegant and bland lady who cared about others' feelings and never climbing for mango. Phuc changed, too. I did not notice that, until that afternoon when he called me to come and eat with his family. That day, under the sunset, when I came back to see him, I realized that it was not only his change but also my feelings about him. Phuc was tall, and his face was no longer like a child. His voice was deep and cracked because of the adolescent. When I saw his smile and heard his voice, my heart was beating like a drum. At that moment, I knew I had a little secret for myself like what I saw in the Korean movies. I had a crush on my best friend. What a dramatic thing!
Life went upside down after that unforgettable afternoon. A confused girl struggling with her spouted feelings about Phuc. She or I had never had such an embarrassed and faltered conversation with him before. I did not dare to catch his eye or go back from home with him anymore. I hid in my room, always said I had homework to refuse his suggestion to hang out. Every night, staring at my window, I asked myself: "What should I do? Should I confess my feelings? But if he does not like me? Could we be friends after my confession?". For a long time, I still avoided meeting him and struggling with my decision.
One day, he stopped me at the door and said " I will go to study at Quan Su military institute tomorrow. I wanted to be a soldier. I want to protect my country and my loved ones." I was shocked at that news. My body stunned like a stone. I wanted to huge him and said "Don't go, what about me?" but what kind of right did I had to say that. I should not be such impressionable like that. I needed to calm down. I felt pity for myself. We just best friends and neighbor. I did not even know if we were after my long time playing “hide and seek”. I could not tell him what he should do, and I should not do that. Everyone had their own choices, and we needed to respect that. I knew that, but my heart was tearing into pieces. It felt like someone was stabbing my heart several times and covered it with lemon juice and pepper. My heart was stinking, and my mouth was mumbling something that I could not even hear. Trying all my best, I smiled, which must like cried, and tried to shape my words clearly: "Good luck, my brother." No, no, no! He was not my brother, and never would he, but I said that. How painful it was! I walked back to my room unconsciously, and that night, I did not sleep. I determined that I would tell him that I liked him and if he like me back, I could wait until he completed his mission.
That day never came. This morning, we heard that the war broke out spontaneously, or it was not, but I was just busy with my feelings that I did not care about it. All of the men in the town were called for help. Phuc did not have to go because he was still a teenager, but he volunteered to do it. He was such a brave, potential soldier for the country, but such an awful man who broke my heart apart. By the time I ran a marathon from my room to his house, which was supposed to be just a few steps away, but felt like miles away, he had gone. I could not remember that day apparently, but I knew it was not a good time to memorize. I believed I was crying perhaps all of my teenager's tears for that boy. No one could imagine how I felt to be a poor girl who did not confess to her crush in time. Phuc was my first crush, and everyone was never felt good if they knew that their "potential boyfriend" could die anytime in the war. I must have killed myself because of that heartbreak.
Three years later and I am in the collapsed building, under stones and covered with dust. My town was bombed this morning, and I got stuck in my house alone. I felt lucky that no one was here. Pains were crushing and pressing my flesh. My body was stuffed with pain and emptiness. Honestly, I did not want to die. A nineteen-year-old girl was too young for that once-and-never again occasion. I was about to be away from my friends and family. I did not even have a chance to date. I did not wish for it, and I wondered who did, but life is not going exactly like what you say it to be. Memories passed through my brain, recall me my best friend and my first crush, Phuc. For a few minutes, before I passed out, I guessed if I was going to see Phuc on the heaven, perhaps, or not. Magically, I saw Phuc's face. Was it an illusion or real? In my deepest mind, I still wanted to see his face. He was crying like a baby begging for candies which was funny, but gently touching my face. His voice was trembling, go from somewhere far away, said that " Please do ... die. I have lots of things to tell you. Please..."I did not know if he wanted me to die or not, but every sound I heard slowly fade away. Energy has flowed away from me. But I know that for the last minutes, I mumble: "You finally found me this time, Phuc."
I am no longer in my body now. Goodbye to my crush, goodbye everyone, I had to go now. For the last thing, I wished my next life, I would be in a peaceful world. I did not want to die because of those stupid wars anymore. I hope that I would be not only brave, but a punctual girl to tell my loves how I felt, even though I would be rejected. It was my half cry, half laugh experience, I did not know why I said so, but now it is your turn, girls.
Years after years, from little boys and girls, we became teenagers. I was no longer a girl who ran around and tried to trick everyone. I became a sixteen-year-old girl. I was supposed to be an elegant and bland lady who cared about others' feelings and never climbing for mango. Phuc changed, too. I did not notice that, until that afternoon when he called me to come and eat with his family. That day, under the sunset, when I came back to see him, I realized that it was not only his change but also my feelings about him. Phuc was tall, and his face was no longer like a child. His voice was deep and cracked because of the adolescent. When I saw his smile and heard his voice, my heart was beating like a drum. At that moment, I knew I had a little secret for myself like what I saw in the Korean movies. I had a crush on my best friend. What a dramatic thing!
Life went upside down after that unforgettable afternoon. A confused girl struggling with her spouted feelings about Phuc. She or I had never had such an embarrassed and faltered conversation with him before. I did not dare to catch his eye or go back from home with him anymore. I hid in my room, always said I had homework to refuse his suggestion to hang out. Every night, staring at my window, I asked myself: "What should I do? Should I confess my feelings? But if he does not like me? Could we be friends after my confession?". For a long time, I still avoided meeting him and struggling with my decision.
One day, he stopped me at the door and said " I will go to study at Quan Su military institute tomorrow. I wanted to be a soldier. I want to protect my country and my loved ones." I was shocked at that news. My body stunned like a stone. I wanted to huge him and said "Don't go, what about me?" but what kind of right did I had to say that. I should not be such impressionable like that. I needed to calm down. I felt pity for myself. We just best friends and neighbor. I did not even know if we were after my long time playing “hide and seek”. I could not tell him what he should do, and I should not do that. Everyone had their own choices, and we needed to respect that. I knew that, but my heart was tearing into pieces. It felt like someone was stabbing my heart several times and covered it with lemon juice and pepper. My heart was stinking, and my mouth was mumbling something that I could not even hear. Trying all my best, I smiled, which must like cried, and tried to shape my words clearly: "Good luck, my brother." No, no, no! He was not my brother, and never would he, but I said that. How painful it was! I walked back to my room unconsciously, and that night, I did not sleep. I determined that I would tell him that I liked him and if he like me back, I could wait until he completed his mission.
That day never came. This morning, we heard that the war broke out spontaneously, or it was not, but I was just busy with my feelings that I did not care about it. All of the men in the town were called for help. Phuc did not have to go because he was still a teenager, but he volunteered to do it. He was such a brave, potential soldier for the country, but such an awful man who broke my heart apart. By the time I ran a marathon from my room to his house, which was supposed to be just a few steps away, but felt like miles away, he had gone. I could not remember that day apparently, but I knew it was not a good time to memorize. I believed I was crying perhaps all of my teenager's tears for that boy. No one could imagine how I felt to be a poor girl who did not confess to her crush in time. Phuc was my first crush, and everyone was never felt good if they knew that their "potential boyfriend" could die anytime in the war. I must have killed myself because of that heartbreak.
Three years later and I am in the collapsed building, under stones and covered with dust. My town was bombed this morning, and I got stuck in my house alone. I felt lucky that no one was here. Pains were crushing and pressing my flesh. My body was stuffed with pain and emptiness. Honestly, I did not want to die. A nineteen-year-old girl was too young for that once-and-never again occasion. I was about to be away from my friends and family. I did not even have a chance to date. I did not wish for it, and I wondered who did, but life is not going exactly like what you say it to be. Memories passed through my brain, recall me my best friend and my first crush, Phuc. For a few minutes, before I passed out, I guessed if I was going to see Phuc on the heaven, perhaps, or not. Magically, I saw Phuc's face. Was it an illusion or real? In my deepest mind, I still wanted to see his face. He was crying like a baby begging for candies which was funny, but gently touching my face. His voice was trembling, go from somewhere far away, said that " Please do ... die. I have lots of things to tell you. Please..."I did not know if he wanted me to die or not, but every sound I heard slowly fade away. Energy has flowed away from me. But I know that for the last minutes, I mumble: "You finally found me this time, Phuc."
I am no longer in my body now. Goodbye to my crush, goodbye everyone, I had to go now. For the last thing, I wished my next life, I would be in a peaceful world. I did not want to die because of those stupid wars anymore. I hope that I would be not only brave, but a punctual girl to tell my loves how I felt, even though I would be rejected. It was my half cry, half laugh experience, I did not know why I said so, but now it is your turn, girls.
My name is Ngoc Pham. I like swimming and pretend to be my sister. Yes, I have a twin and we are very close. I like making people confuse and see their faces. My dream is to go around the world and taste every kind of food. I want to have my own restaurant.